Romney re-launched his campaign today with a new offshoring strategy.
Calling the Q3 2012 campaign an expensive failure due to the use of US workers, Romney announced plans to move his Campaign Headquarters to China. All US workers were laid off effective immediately. However a small crew of US campaign managers are to be retained for an extra 15 days to train their replacements in Beijing.
While visiting a campaign office in Cincinnati, Ohio, Romney announced, "We went to China to buy a factory there, employed about 20,000 people, and they were almost all young women between the ages of about 18 and 22 or 23. They were saving for potentially becoming married, and they worked in these huge factories, they made various small appliances, and as we were walking through this facility, seeing them work, the number of hours they worked per day, the pittance they earned, living in dormitories with little bathrooms at the end with maybe ten rooms. And the rooms, they had 12 girls per room, three bunk beds on top of each other. No health care. No vacations. No worker safety bullshit. If a worker isn't moving fast enough, we just beat them."
"It was glorious."
"By the way, you are all fired. Please leave the building immediately."
In another major move, Romney's call center will relocate to India. Romney announced that while Q3 was disappointing, in Q4 2012 the campaign would save millions by laying off 20,000 US call center employees paid $23 per hour. The US call centers had been based in Florida and Ohio. Those US jobs will instead move to Mumbai, India, where highly trained call center employees are already learning to speak with US accents, use phrases like "Git-er-dun", and familiarizing themselves with NASCAR drivers. Once trained the India workers will receive $0.34 cents per hour.
Romney said, "Not only can we save money with this strategy, we're planning to add 24/7 operations. We just lock employees inside the factory over there. Around this factory is a fence, a huge fence with barbed wire, and guard towers. And Romney said, "Gosh, I can't believe that you, you know, you keep these girls in." They said, "Yes, sir. Just as you ordered. No one leaves. Ever.""
Weeping could be heard in the distance.
[While written as satire, it's not far from the truth either. Romney has a history of off-shoring US jobs, including Massachusetts state workers while governor of Massachusetts. SuperPAC funded organizations may already be using offshore call centers. Much of the promotional materials used by both campaigns may also be manufactured outside of the USA.]